Life is hard but sex is also hard. If a man comes too early, it is a ‘crime’ – now, taking too long to ejaculate or climax is also a bone of contention, creating cracks in relationships. What can a man do now?
Read a sample of women who have issues with their partners – and after, solutions to the ‘problem’;
“My boyfriend lasts WAY too long in bed. He normally lasts 45+ minutes and has to finish himself because we will end up waiting two hours otherwise. Even when he does have to finish himself that takes around 20-30 minutes, and when he is finishing himself up, he wants me to be all over his neck, biting his ears, and rubbing my tits in his face. After an hour, it really isn’t doing anything for me and I find myself just looking at the clock.”
“I am dating a man that is ‘cut’— he is the first one I have dated. It is like his penis is desensitized, he thrusts and pounds during sex as if my vagina was made of steel, he takes very long to orgasm and I get sore and it gets painful. I am always bleeding after sex and now we have decided not to use condoms anymore, vaginal dryness is eminent, it’s like his penis absorbs all the moisture my vagina produces. It is bad, real bad I am off vaginal sex now, I have never had this problem before with my two past exes who were not cut.”
“We’ve been together nearly 7 years and we’re about to be 30 soon. Before me, my husband was with only one other woman some time in his teens. Before him, I was promiscuous. He is very ‘vanilla,’ while I am adventurous. He watches porn and masturbates in private, while I watch and masturbate with him right next to me in bed. We’re like the sexual version of the odd couple. Before him, I used to pray that my sex partners were marathon men that could last all night and day if I wanted them to. Some could go rounds in that way, but most ejaculated in minutes, never bringing me to orgasm. Truth be told, my husband is the first person to truly make me orgasm through vaginal intercourse. In a matter of minutes I’ve already hit my first O. About 20 minutes in, I’ve had multiples and am beginning to swell and sore because I can’t take any more. But my husband needs upwards of 45 minutes to an hour, sometimes longer before he’s anywhere near climax. I give oral and perform hand jobs, but with those I’ll be there half the day before he’d ejaculate. And his problem isn’t with an erection or attraction. Just seeing me naked or touching my large breasts has him standing at full salute in seconds. This issue is emotionally taxing on me because I feel guilty that in my days of promiscuity I have made many men orgasm in minutes but I can’t even please my husband, the man that I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I get torn to shreds every single time we have sex. I wouldn’t mind it once in a while but it leaves me unable to have sex for days. And if I want my husband a few times a day it I can get him to ejaculate without making me raw.”
“I have been dating a nice guy for 3+ months. The first sexual encounter we had he told me he “had trouble cumming—was that a problem”? I said no. I had another guy that had it—but not this severely. He has cum once in maybe 20 encounters. I have been trying to get him to cum but didn’t want to make him feel pressured about it. But as time goes we are both getting really frustrated—him sexually and me emotionally. I have been focusing more and more on a hard effort for his orgasm, meaning every encounter I spend 20-30 minutes “tickling” and licking and massaging him (he likes that), then I move into 100% focus on penis and balls and trying to get him off with my hands and mouth – for 20-40 minutes. He will tell me “don’t keep doing the same thing…or give it a break – not so fast”, then 5 minutes later say “don’t keep changing, pick a style and STAY with it.” I hear “harder”, then “not so hard”. “Faster, then not so fast”. I have never had this kind of difficulty getting a man to cum. Tonight he asked me if I was trying to keep him from coming. Really? After one hour+ of effort TRYING?”
Technically, if he is taking more than 30 minutes to ejaculate, you have a delayed ejaculator on your hands. But even if your dude doesn’t take quite that long, any sex that goes on way past the point of pleasure for you (and, quite possibly, him) can count. And a pattern of this kind of sex can put a ton of stress on the relationship, and lead to a reluctance to get it on. After all, who wants to bone down if you know it’s going to end with your dude pumping away at your raw-feeling vag*.
Premature and delayed ejaculation are opposite ends of some kind of scale of sexual speed. If a guy comes too quickly, he is probably over-aroused – if a guy takes ages to reach his climax, then he’s probably not aroused enough.
You see, the truth of the matter is that – aside from a few medications which can cause delayed ejaculation – the cause of difficulties in this area are usually inside a man’s mind. One exception may be when a relationship’s in difficulties – which may mean they guy has gone off the woman or the woman has gone off the guy, and sex is no longer on the agenda.
DE affects about one man in ten. And there’s a whole range of severity, from simply taking longer than normal to “finish” – i.e. to reach orgasm – all the way through to situations where a man genuinely can’t come at all, and may even exhaust both himself and his lover trying. But you always know when there’s a problem. After all, if it takes (say) 30 minutes of extremely hard and fast thrusting before a man can ejaculate, intercourse isn’t going to be much fun!
Lots of common medications can have sexual side effects, including delayed orgasm for men and women — ones that your doctor may not have bothered to tell you about. SSRI antidepressants — like Prozac, Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil, Celexa, and others — are notorious for affecting your sex drive and they can make orgasms difficult or even impossible to achieve. In fact, 30 to 70% of users of antidepressants suffer sexual related issues or ome sort because of the medication. Benzodiazepines, a class of drugs like Xanax, Klonopin, and Valium, as well as Risperidone can have similar effects. Most medications for blood pressure as well as some anti-convulsant medications, statins, and other drugs used to control high cholesterol are known to delay orgasms, or keep users from having any orgasm at all.
State of Mind
Even if you’re not taking meds, struggling with mental health issues can mess with your sex life on every front, including in the orgasm department. Anxiety and depression can lead to delayed orgasm which makes perfect sense after you think about it — when you’re depressed, simple acts of daily life like brushing your teeth or going to the grocery store feel like climbing a mountain, so how the hell are you going to get it together to get off?
We think of “performance anxiety” as the fear of not looking like a stud in bed, which can certainly contribute to not being able to get off. But so can a whole host of other sexuality-related anxieties —like nervousness about becoming sexually active, emotional hang-ups for those raised in a culture that viewed certain types of sex as wrong or improper, overall anxiety about the general quality of the relationship, nervousness about getting a partner accidentally pregnant, or, if you’re trying to conceive, nervousness about not getting a partner pregnant.
I know, I know. You thought booze was your friend in all things sexual! How could it betray you like this? But a 2004 study on booze and sex found that 11% of subjects had expressed sexual problems while using alcohol. In fact, some research has recommended alcohol as a treatment for premature ejaculation, which should kinda tell you all you need to know. And this is just referring to one-off, Friday night kind of drinking — chronic heavy drinking can also lead to constant delayed orgasm. Booze, you are a fair weather sexual friend, indeed!
If your dude spent the decade before he met you and your vagina gripping his penis as if it were an umbrella in a windstorm, then of course trying to orgasm from traditional intercourse will be difficult for him. Vaginas are strong but they can’t, like, strangle a man, you know? A heavy-duty masturbation style involving a grip or speed impossible to replicate during sex with another human being is one of the most common culprits behind delayed ejaculation.